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In society these days we are obsessed with perfectionism. We either seek it in ourselves, but more often, we seek it in others. This usually extends beyond just other people, but reaches into the products we buy and the things we do. Ultimately, we end up pursuing things that don’t exist – illusions. Things can always be better, and people can always be smarter and better looking. You may think this episode is about letting go of perfection. You would be wrong! Today’s episode is actually endorsing the pursuit of perfection, but pursuit of perfection within ourselves, and within the confines of our own limits.
Yes yes, I know we always preach about being limitless, but hear me out so you can understand the context of what I mean by “limits”.
Too many of us, especially in the dating world, look at others that they perceive to be better looking, more educated, taller, or whatever, and think because they themselves lack those certain traits, that they operate at a disadvantage. For example, if your version of a 10 out of 10 person is a 6’ 2” tall, handsome neurosurgeon, and yet you are shorter, chubbier, and less educated, you will perceive yourself to be less than a perfect 10 and feel inferior. Similarly, by deifying certain characteristics that you specifically cannot or will never possess, you will walk around always feeling less, putting yourself at a disadvantage, and ultimately you will exude these feelings, thereby amplifying your low self-esteem and lack of confidence. It becomes a downward spiral because you are what you think you are, and people look at you the same way you look at yourself. If you think less of yourself then others will think less of you.
The best example I hear is when guys describe a girl as being flawless, the epitome of perfection and that she’s a perfect ten so will only date a guy that’s a ten as well. They then cry me a river about how a girl like that wouldn’t date them, despite the fact that the guy themself has three university degrees from top schools, is super-intelligent, comes from a good home and has a great personality. They fail to see that the real catch is staring at them in the mirror.
I’m here to tell you that you can be a ten, no matter what you currently think of yourself. And the way to do this is to take what you are and make it the best of what you are. Stop dwelling on what you don’t have and what other people have.
Here is how to elevate yourself to being a perfect ten and attract the person you want, the job you want, and the life you want.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE PURSUIT OF PERFECTION
1. Work with and improve what you got.
Face:
When I say make yourself your own perfect ten then that’s exactly what I mean. Let’s say that you think your appearance is ugly. Don’t accept that as your narrative. Do something about it and make what you have as good as it possibly can, so even if you perceive yourself to be less attractive than others, and in your own mind a 5 out of 10 (I’m only using this 10 scale for narrative purposes btw), make yourself the best 5 imaginable.
If you don’t like your appearance do something about it. Now don’t get ahead of me – I’m not suggesting to go out and get plastic surgery, fill your lips with fat so you look like a duck, and get so much botox that your eyebrows blink every time you open and close your eyes. What I am saying is work with what you have. There are many things you can do. Get a hairstyle that flatters your face. Groom yourself. Pluck those hairs from your ears as well as the ones sticking out of your nose. Shave – and yes that goes for you girls and guys! If you have blemishes like acne, there are lots of options to treat your pimples and clear up your face. The point is – take care of your face as it’s the first thing people look at!
And yes a quick note about surgery – if you think there is something very out line with your appearance and it is a medical condition you can fix with a minor surgery and improve your quality of life then go ahead and do it. If your teeth are crooked and you are self-conscious of your smile, then fortunately these days there are economical options like Invisalign as well as smile direct club to straighten your teeth. Just don’t make this about making you look like someone you’re not.
Body:
So you’re overweight. That is usually the biggest gripe from people. They think they’re fat and therefore unattractive, even if they do have an attractive face. On one hand if there’s nothing you can do about it due to medical reasons, then focus on wearing it well by wearing the right clothes that flatter your body-type. On the other hand, do something about it! Get a gym membership and force yourself to go. Lose that weight and you’ll find your self-confidence will gradually increase with your body’s appearance. I know for many of us, going to the gym, or getting into a regular exercise routine is tough, especially if you have a busy job or have a family to attend to. Do what you can, but do something! Even if it means walking for 20 minutes each day. I don’t assume everyone out there listening has money to throw around, but even if it is expensive, invest in a personal trainer or find a friend that will go with you to the gym. These little things will help motivate you to go work out even when you don’t feel like it. I can’t speak for everywhere, but where I live, there are many Crossfit and other gyms with structured workouts like F45 where you have someone pushing you for a set amount of time.
I’ve been going to the gym and working out since I was in high-school. I’ve taken breaks here and there but generally have been fairly consistent. Even after all of these years I can honestly say that I don’t enjoy going to the gym. Lifting heavy weights, and breaking a sweat doest not give me greater satisfaction that sitting on my sofa and watching a new Netflix movie. Despite that, I force myself to go and I don’t regret it.
If you’re trying to get more muscular as a guy, Invest in some healthy dietary supplements to give you an edge in your work out and see what happens. Even CostCo sells vegan protein supplements for a reasonable price.
One thing I have found is investing a bit extra in a nicer gym or cross-fit workout center. By doing so, it incentivizes you to go more frequently since you’ll want to make sure you’re getting something for all of that hard earned money you’re spending! I was originally signed up for a Bally Fitness gym and it was kind of run down. I still go into the routine, but when I joined a fancier gym called LA Fitness Signature, while it cost more, it was such a nice facility that it made having to go a lot easier. Now I’m debating stepping it up a notch and going to the Equinox which is pricier at over $100/month, but the reality is, I believe that investments into our body is some of the best money you can spend in life.
Dress better.
Regardless of your physical appearance let’s move on to your dress. I live in Los Angeles where while outside of the city the perception is that people are materialistic and always dressed to impress. Let me let you in on a little secret: by and large, the majority of people don’t dress very well. When I go to court I see people (not attorneys mind you), but their clients dressed in flip-slops, shorts, and torn t-shirts. Generally most girls are wearing yoga pants. If you want to see people dress up day to day, check out cities like Madrid or Barcelona.
Regardless of where you live though, put a little bit extra effort into what you wear. If you’re familiar with stores like Macy’s, Ross, Marshall’s or TJ Maxx then you know you can “dress for less”. Instead of wearing a beaten up t-shirt and shorts, put on some nice khakis and a polo shirt. Get rid of those flip flops and put on some shoes as girls definitely notice shoes. Ladies, dress in a way that makes you feel comfortable and confident. Wear colors that compliment your skin and eyes and embrace your personality.
Guys and girls, wear some properly fitted clothing. For a slim guy like me, it was always a hassle as clothing was somewhat baggy on me not to mention that I wore irregular sizes which were hard to find. Those days have passed. I suggest you invest in some more form fitting or slim fitting clothing. It gives you a more polished look. If they fit you, dump those old suits and get more slim-fit suits that give a tailored appearance.
Don’t forget to smell good as well! Buy some cologne and perfume! Don’t go overboard with the smells as the wrong fragrances can turn people off, but do smell good when you go out. When you take care of your appearance it shows you care about yourself and when you care about yourself, other people will notice. People respect those who respect themselves.
2. Advance your intellect.
If you’re reading/listening to this then you obviously have the capabilities of expanding and enhancing your intellect. So much emphasis is put on appearance these days that what gets lost in the shuffle is the intellectual side. If you didn’t notice, being a nerd is actually cool these days.
I don’t think things like this in life have to be mutually exclusive – that is to say if you’re investing in your appearance, then you shouldn’t only focus on that. Or if you’re a super-intelligent being, then you shouldn’t only focus on that and ignore what you’re wearing. Being well-balanced in life is critical to personal success. If you only focus on appearance, then you might attract superficial people. Working on your intelligence puts in you in a position to meet people more along the lines of who you are as a person.
Don’t worry, I’m not suggesting you invest $300,000 into another university degree at the ripe age of 50. What I am suggesting is to pursue some of your interests at a deeper level. If you like wine, then don’t just drink it, but learn about it! How is it made, what are the different types of grapes, what the hell is a bouquet? Take a class at a local community college or just borrow some books. Immerse yourself in subjects that are of interest to you. Join some meetup.com groups to meet people who might know more than you about a subject, and at the same time learn from them.
Little by little, you’ll expand your knowledge base. When you talk to people, you’ll have more depth of certain subjects than other people and this will help you stick out in the minds of others. They may not remember want you said, but they’ll remember the confidence with which you spoke. Even on occasions when I haven’t combed my hair and have dressed like a bum while outside, random girls who have crossed my path have always asked if I’ve had a lot of schooling “because you sound educated” and they usually pursue the conversation with me. In other instances I’ve found people attracted to the fact that I use words that are more than two syllables when I speak (hey I’m in LA where the bar is low, but I ain’t complaining!)
My favorite way of advancing my intellect is to travel as many of you already know. The things I’ve learned and knowledge I’ve accumulated from around the world can’t be taught in any textbook or learned by watching any YouTube video. While I don’t go around talking about my travel tales, when I show up to events or get-togethers, people always think I’m like a unicorn showing up since they think I’m usually floating on a boat down the Mekong River most of the time. They can’t wait to hear about my stories and adventures.
Frankly you don’t even need to be expanding your intelligence with the goal of meeting someone. Just do it for yourself. It’s nice being able to tap into your own knowledge base as it helps you analyze things and situations without having to consult Google search on your cell phone. Overall it makes you a much more interesting person who will have more in common with more people.
3. Aura
While we spend time talking about physical appearances and intellect, I think one of the most important aspects of becoming your own perfect 10 is perfecting your own aura. Yes, this is the same aura that I’m referring to in the name of the podcast, and the reason I named this podcast “Everglow” in the first place. Everglow is referring to the glow that we all emit and this podcast is about improving your aura or glow.
I didn’t realize the important of this until fairly recently. Our aura is that halo or glow that you see around religious figures in their paintings. We all have one, for better or for worse. People who are negative thinkers or who are depressed, usually have a darker aura or cloud around their persona. If you’re a sensitive person, then you can feel this. On the other hand, people that are happy, upbeat, and have a positive outlook, often glow! When these people walk in a room, they command people’s attention and their glow is what makes them attractive over and above the smell of their perfume or the fit of the clothes they’re wearing.
I’m sure you’ve noticed people like this. You’ll be seated in a crowded restaurant with lots of people coming and going. Then, for some reason you’ll notice someone walk in that everyone in the room is staring at. Their smile and presence lights up the place. You can’t take your eyes off of them and neither can many others in the restaurant. On the surface there isn’t really any one thing about them that stands out. They’re not necessarily dressed to impressed or wearing any flashy jewelry, nor are they the biggest or tallest. But there is something about their energy or aura that makes people gravitate towards them. This is their aura. On the flip side, people with dark auras don’t really get much attention. We pass by them all of the time but never pay them a second look because their aura is not attractive.
Now let’s forget about other people’s auras and focus on yours. Have you ever taken some time to consider what kind of energy you’re putting out? When you walk into a room, do people look at you? And when they do, are they looking at you with crooked looks or are you constantly met with smiles? Use the way people perceive you as a mirror to see what kind of energies you’ve been putting out. It’s easy to think we’re okay and thinking properly, but it helps to look outwards every now and then and use strangers are your personal consultants if you will.
Start taking a closer look at your thoughts. Monitor them. Are you generally getting frustrated with little thing like terrible drivers and rude people? When you’re in public, people can pick up on this and want to stay away from you if they perceive you to be an angry or frustrated person. While you may think you’re the coolest cat in the yard, that means nothing if that’s not the actual energy you’re radiating. Trust me – you’re not going to be turning any heads if you’re constantly brooding about the asshole that cut you off in traffic or the neighbor who selfishly parks his car in the middle of the street, blocking everyone else.
People with great and bright auras such as these mystical religious figures, have positive and bright auras because they don’t dwell on the negative and they don’t tend to absorb people’s negative energies. I’ve always noticed how photographs can really show people’s auras. I remember visiting India about thirteen years ago. It was a magical time for me and everything seemed to be surreal. When I got back to the States and looked at the photographs of one set of my cousins however, I noticed that there was a darkness about their auras.
I’ve noticed the same with me. When I was hiking to Everest Base Camp, out in the wilderness with no negative energies (okay there was one guy in our group that was a bit of a dick, but overall he was manageable). I felt at peace. I was also absorbing the beauty of the nature around me. Normally back home, with the stress of my profession and living in a crowded city, I usually looked like crap in my photos. I looked beaten up, and tired. Pictures of me during my trip showed a separate story altogether. If you visit my blog, you can see some of these before and after photos. The difference is startling. Even when I got back home, I still had that vacation glow, or everglow as I like to call it and yes, my pictures still looked totally different. Now, when I would walk in a room or a restaurant, people would look at me and smile at me.
What had changed? My aura.
Meditate
Mediate? Huh? Oh no, not another one of these modern day hippies telling me to mediate. I don’t have time for that BS. If you can’t find 10 minutes to meditate today because you’re too busy, then meditate for one hour.
While you’re wondering what the hell meditating has to do with being your own perfect ten, the answer is: everything. The best possible you is one that is calm, and not easily angered. It is one that is attractive on the outside, but more importantly, even more attractive on the inside, But how do you fix the inside? We already talked about our individual aura’s.
Let’s talk now about your internal monologue and being calm. I will tell you that aggressive, angry, or negative people aren’t naturally attractive to others. Their disrupted mental state is repulsive to your average person as it shines through your aura and people generally want to be around happy and positive people. People like feeling good. If they get the inkling that they won’t feel happy around you, then they don’t want to buy what you’re selling. On the other hand, if you’re in a great mood, and are a calm, and peaceful person, people will want to align with you since most people want to feel those positive emotions that you’re feeling.
So how do you achieve that calm demeanor? Well, meditating is one such way. It will help you be more at peace over the long-term. Putting the premise of this podcast aside, when you are a calm person, it will help you overcome and deal with everything else in life. Living in a big city can be overwhelming. There are fights to be had every day of the week. From the moment I pull out of my driveway, I’m bombarded with reasons to get pissed at people. Even just pulling out of my driveway, people try to drive around my car while it’s 90% out of my driveway. Going down my street, someone starts driving at me head-on because they’re either a complete moron or on their cell phone or both. I could spend my whole day fighting with people over little things. The only one who would lose every fight would be me. Because those little fights take my energy and the energy needed to glow. The asshole on their cell phone that almost crashes into me – no matter how much I scream and honk, he’ll still be doing the same thing five minutes later.
Meditation isn’t a perfect solution. You are still a human being and you’ll still feel emotions. Things will still piss you off. What learning to meditate will do however, is help you to not react as much to those circumstances and externalities that arise. Basically the BS of daily life will roll off your back like water off of a duck’s back. It takes practice. Years of practice. In fact, it never ends. But at the end of the day, this calmer, less-reactive version of you will pay endless dividends in all aspects of your life, including your walk towards being a perfect ten.
CONCLUSION
So there you have it. A good starter list for two you can be your own perfect ten and start attracting other tens into your life. I’m not just referring to that hot guy or girl at the bar…does anyone even meet people at bars any more? Anyways, I am referring to you perfecting yourself so that you can attract the perfect ten of everything in life: jobs, relationships, experiences, whatever.
To recap: work on your appearance without going overboard and making yourself look artificial. Clean up those blemishes that you’re self-conscious about. Get a new haircut that flatters your face or makes you feel good. If you’re too skinny or overweight for your liking, start working out and eating healthier. All of these years later, I still don’t enjoy going to the gym, but I do it. It doesn’t mean I don’t indulge in my burger and fries once a week.
Go out and expand your mind. Learn new things. It will be a lot easier if you focus on things that you’re genuinely curious about. If you have interesting things to talk about and have depth of knowledge, that’s more attractive than even your physical appearance. Learning more will give you new outlooks on life and literally change the biology of your brain. You can only gain.
Focus on the internal attractiveness as well by working on your aura. I want you to ever-glow! Work on your exterior aura so that you shine wherever you go and people can’t help but be magnetized by your presence without you even opening your mouth. You can help do this by learning to mediate to maintain your inner-peace and preserve your good energy instead of wasting it on the daily grind of life.
Yes, yes, some of you may be thinking “nothing in life is perfect”. I disagree. Everything in life is perfect in its own way. By working on facets of yourself, you’re just refining the perfection that already exists. For those that want to debate with nonsense like “nothing is perfect”, stop wasting your time with semantics and cliches. This is about self-improvement, so improve. Stop sitting around wondering why things aren’t changing in your life, if you’re the only thing that’s not changing in the equation of life.