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True story: the word NO is a complete sentence. As empath’s or highly sensitive people, we have a tendency or disposition to always be people-pleasers. Accordingly, whenever someone asks us for something and we don’t want to do it, we have a hard time saying the simple word NO. For an empath, saying NO is more of a negotiation, instead of an absolute or emphatic statement. Why? Because we are so concerned with offending the other person or pleasing them to make them happy, that we avoid using direct language to turn them down and try to negotiate declining the offer. Unfortunately, this ends up backfiring, as we usually get convinced to do what we ultimately never wanted to do in the first place.
So what do I mean about saying “no” becoming a negotiation? Let me give you an example. Let’s say someone asks you to go to a concert downtown. You have literally zero interest in going for a variety of reasons. First, you dislike the music of that particular band, second, the tickets are $200 each, and third, you’re working that day so you would have to get home from work early, get ready, and then spend another two hours trekking downtown in heavy traffic. Basically you’d be exhausted by the time you arrived to see a band you have zero interest in seeing.
But here’s the problem with the average empath: when our friend asks us to go downtown, we don’t say “NO”. Instead, we dance around the response. Example, instead of simply saying “no”, when asked whether we’d like to go to the concert, we answer “I’d love to go, but I have to work that day and I’d never make it on time.” Or we say something like “thanks so much for the invite, but the tickets are really expensive.”
Do you see the problem with answering like this? What you’ve told the other person is that you’re actually interested in going, except for a few things which can easily be overcome. Especially if the person you’re talking to is a friend, which obviously they would be if they were inviting you, you have now done is open the door to negotiating. The problem now is that with regards to your “I have to work” excuse, is that what are you going to do when your friend tells you – “hey don’t worry about getting there late, there’s an opening act and the actual band won’t actually get on stage until much later, so voila, you’ll have plenty of time to get home from work and get there in time to enjoy the show. I’ll even pick you up and drive us down!” or, what are you going to say if they respond by saying “don’t worry, fortunately the band is having a second performance the next day which is a Saturday when you don’t have to work. Great you’re coming now!” As you can see, you just fucked yourself. Because now, if you come up with an alternate excuse, it will make you look like a liar, or a flake.
In the second part of the example where you said you couldn’t go because the tickets are too expensive, what are you going to do when your friend starts trying to strong arm you into going by saying “it’s only $200, the band rarely comes to town. Stop being so cheap – you never go out and enjoy yourself anymore. It’s not much money.” Or what if he says “don’t worry about the tickets – I have an extra one and you can have it for free! What time shall we head down now that you can come?”
As you can see, you just fucked yourself. Because now, if you come up with an alternate excuse, it will make you look like a liar, a cheapo, or a flake. Or all of the above. The problem is for an empath, you don’t want to hurt your friend’s feelings by telling them that the band sucks and you have zero interest in going, so you struggle to find your voice and speak your mind. You’re almost obsessed with people’s feelings and not hurting them or causing conflict so you always speak using wishy-washy language to avoid stepping on anyone’s toes. The curse of an empath. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Ironically, the less you stand in your own power and speak your mind, the more conflict you will have because everything will become a back and forth dialogue as people perceive you to be a pushover, wishy-washy, and easily convinced. What’s worse, is by nature, your type of personality will attract more and more people who will try to sell you things and convince you to do things. You’ll find yourself a mark or target for telemarketers, solicitors at your front door, and anyone else who can sell you anything. You will attract the exact opposite of what you want because you’ll effective be what blood is to a shark when it comes to people. Trust me when I say, strong people who speak their minds have fewer people approach them for things in the first place.
I could give you countless examples, but here’s one of my favorites from recent memory. I was in Tajikistan in Central Asia. Along with a group of 10 others, we were standing in the town square looking around. Of course, being a town square, it had its share of beggars. Despite all of the other tourists around me, one of the beggars, a young girl, perhaps around the age of eight or nine years of age, ended up coming up to me asking for money. The problem is, despite me ignoring her, she wouldn’t let go. She was relentless. Tugging on my shirt, trying to reach into my pocket. I kept trying to walk away and she wouldn’t stop. I finally started yelling at her as I reached my boiling point after TEN minutes of this harassment and she still wouldn’t stop, even when I walked into a nearby store in an attempt to shake her. Guess how many of the other members of the group had this happen to them? NONE. Because of my personality at the time, which certain people can deduce through my energy, this young girl despite being homeless, knew who from the group she could target. Don’t worry, I didn’t give her a dime, but it pissed me off unnecessarily. Do you find yourself in these weird predicaments whereas your friends don’t?
Even at my law practice, a couple of the people that work for me are gangsters. No literally, but from a personality standpoint, as kind as they are, they don’t put up wish bullshit from anyone. They’re tough as nails and accordingly, their energy probably helps communicate that to people. Running a law practice means having clients trying to unfortunately coerce you into doing things you don’t want to do all of the time. But guess what happens when a client wants to try to pull one over on us? Even though the client’s point of contact would always have been one of the ladies working for me, they’ll do their best to jump over that firewall and contact me when it comes time to ask for some outlandish thing. Notice how they don’t even try to approach the people they should be approaching? They try to skip them because back then my energy was that of someone that would have a hard time saying NO. They knew without asking that they would hit a brick wall if they were to ask anyone else for the same favor from my law firm so they would ask me instead.
If you find yourself always being asked to do things and for things all of the time, it means that yes, you may be kind and reliable, but believe it or not, it also could mean that people perceive you as weak.
How do I know all of this? I used to be THAT guy. In fact, I still am that guy, but fortunately I have made leaps and bounds in the last year. By standing up and finding my voice more consistently and saying NO, the only regret I have had is why it took me so long to do it. I reflect on how many shitty situations I found myself in because I would say “no, and here’s why”, instead of simply “no”. In fact, I’m bewildered about what was holding me back all of these years. Seriously, no one was going to beat me up if I simply say NO. An annoying telemarketer is not going to jump through the phone and stab you if you say no and hang-up. Speaking of telemarketers, I actually used to listen to their spiel. I remember when I was living in Toronto, one called me once to do a survey, she said it would take around five minutes. 15 minutes later, I was getting agitated, and asked her if we were almost done…she said no, there are still around 25 questions. Like an idiot or a prisoner of the phone, I begrudgingly answered all of her survey questions. What was I thinking?
In retrospect, all I was thinking of was about how not to offend this random voice on the phone who is getting paid. Does this sound like you? Someone who is always lawyering against yourself for why you should appease others? Stop. NOW.
When you can’t say “no” with confidence, people will perceive you as weak. They will take advantage of you. They will mistake your kindness for weakness. You will bang your head agains the wall why it is you keep finding yourself in the same situation with the same losers always attracted to you and wanting ridiculous things from you.
HOW TO SAY NO
Here’s how: just start. Start experimenting with saying no. It won’t be perfect at first. While you find your footing, perhaps you’ll find yourself sounding like a dick, maybe being too abrupt with people. That’s okay. It’s about finding your voice. Those that know you and those that matter will understand the change you’re going through.
The key is to always be mindful of being both thoughtful and civilized when you say “no” to people. Let’s go through some examples.
A telemarketer calls, asking if you would be willing to participate in a five minute survey. You’re already busy eating supper and don’t feel like holding your phone to your ear. Simple response: no thank you, not interested. Hang-up. In this instance, you can be a bit brash because it’s just a telemarketer and there’s nothing to negotiate – you’re not doing their survey. Don’t say any more than that or wait for them to respond. Your time is PRECIOUS. Every second you spend after you so “no thanks” is wasted time that you can never get back.
2. Your best friend asks you to pick-up their kid from daycare because they have to work late. You have other plans which you can’t cancel and it’s so late that you would be the bad guy to the other person with whom you had plans. You just can’t do it and you know that your best friend has other options or arrangements she can make to get her kid from daycare.
Your response should NOT be: “No.” And then hang-up. Remember, with people that matter, and even those in public, you should be thoughtful and civilized. Your response might look something like: “Sorry Jane, I can’t pull it off. You know I would do it for you any other time. Definitely try one of your other options.”
Now let’s caveat something here – friends help friends. If you know your friend would be screwed, ie lose her job if she didn’t stay late, or she literally has no one that can also pick the kid up, then help out if you can. If you have to rearrange plans, then do so. But don’t make it a habit. I have unfortunately found, especially living in a big city like LA, the more you help people, the more they keep coming to you for every little thing and start losing respect for your time.
I see it every day as a lawyer. Someone will hire me to file a bankruptcy. Next thing you know they want me to create their business’s financial statements (totally not my job). Then they want me to start giving them business advice. Mentally they try to tie everything together: I’m their lawyer for one element of their finances so therefore I’m their lawyer for anything and everything related to their finances. This used to happen all of the time. People will do the same thing to you as well. The more helpful you are, the more they’ll want from you. When you finally stand up for yourself and say “no”, they’ll get mad at you for not being good ol’ reliable you anymore.
On the other hand, if you had become less accessible, and tempered your helpfulness, you’ll find that the same people will start to respect you and your time more. When you say no, they won’t be as butt-hurt and you won’t be as pissed off for having to wrestle with saying no or why that person is asking you for things they could to themselves.
Remember – thoughtful and civilized.
3. Another example: your friend is always asking you for favors. They always need to borrow money. They’re always asking you legal questions every ten minutes throughout the day. They’re always texting. As I mentioned, the more responsive you are to people the more they’ll want from you.
Another way I have learned to say no without saying “no”, is to not be overly responsive. If someone who is always calling calls, even if I am free, I purposely won’t answer the phone. Same with clients that always email. Some want to have a back and forth conversation with you over email. Again, even when I’m free, I simply won’t respond. That person that calls all the time? Don’t answer. Let it go to voicemail and then call them back several hours later, or the next day. It creates space. It gives you higher value. Same with email – email was not designed for having a conversation. Reply to your emails once or twice a day. Create that space so people understand you’re not a 911 service. Being less accessible is another way of saying no, in a roundabout way. It helps people learn how to respect your time. If you keep building up your expectations for others, they will be expect exactly what your building.
The more people you don’t want to rely on you start to try to use and rely on you, the more unreliable you should be come, specifically with those people. Or on the other hand, just say no. Remember, do not offer an explanation of excuse for why you won’t do it. Just be nice and reply over time to them so they learn to respect the boundaries that you are creating. Remember – people will treat you as bad as you let them and if you set no boundaries, you can’t complain when you get treated as someone with no boundaries.
4. Your friend Jason asks you to “borrow” money.
Does your friend Jason want to borrow money? I’m not referring to a responsible and trustworthy friend that needs to borrow some money one night because he legitimately forgot his wallet at night. I’m referring to that one friend that we’ve all had growing up who is always broke because he’s a lazy bum and has made a living off of living off of other people’s hard work. When that guy calls asking to borrow money, it’s times like that you can be a dick and say “no”.
One of my favorite stories is an EX friend, who we’ll call Jason. I don’t know why, but I love telling this story. Perhaps because it’s one of those that I look back upon as a new person and wonder how I didn’t have the strength to tell him to fuck the hell off at the time. I’m sure we all have those stories.
That asshole used to want stuff from everyone, all the time. Since high school, he had always treated his “friends” as people he could make a buck off of. He was, and still is, a user of people. Granted, we all use each other to some degree, but this guy gave nothing in return. I remember I invited him to visit me in Mexico when I was living there at the time. Looking back on it, likely he had invited himself, but whatever. My friends in Mexico were some of the greatest quality of people you will ever meet in your life. They were beyond family. And because Jason was my friend at the time, my Mexican friends showed my friend “Jason” around town, letting him party with them etc. In fact, one of my best friends decided to organize a trip to Mazatlan and even welcomed my friend into his villa, treating him as though he was one of his best friends as well. We had a good time. We had a great time. But it wasn’t long before he was asking people, or even my friends, for stuff. A cigarette. A peso. When he returned home, he thought he was a king, bragging to everyone about the stuff he did in Mexico and the people he knew that were connected down there. In reality they didn’t even know his name.
The money issue with him got worse as we got older. A single year later, we all went to Miami for New Year’s. I was trepid about going because of the fact that we were going to take bus from Ottawa down to Miami – yes, that ended up being about 32 hours in a sitting position. It was literally torture. Anyway, despite the fact that we only had four days in Miami and Jason had convinced us all to go, within about 24 hours or being there, he had already run out of money. It was me and three other friends and those three other friends were MY friends and only knew Jason through me but weren’t that close with him. Despite the fact that we were all on a budget back then, he still had absolutely no qualms about asking people for money, selfishly not caring that it would take away from the enjoyment of my friends’ vacations.
The last straw for me was when, a few years later, he asked to “borrow” $10,000 from me. Let me put this into context. He was as lazy as they came. He sat around, watched TV all day, his bedroom littered in McDonald’s wrappers that hadn’t moved from the same spot in months. He never got a job just because. Meanwhile, I had a full-time job, was always studying to write my LSAT test for law school, and was trying to get a business off the ground. I always remember that one night. I had just finished paying off a line of credit I had used to help fund the business I had slaved away at. It took me months and months to pay it off since I wasn’t earning much at the time and was trying to earn my stripes but doing things the hard way and not getting my Dad to pay for anything. But after lots of blood, sweat, and tears, I finally got it paid off. I accidentally let slip in a conversation one night with Jason that I had a line of credit with a bank, which they had extended to all of us who were doing our MBA.
As soon as I let that information slip out, the phone went silent. But through that silence, I could hear the gears turning in his mind. In an instant, I knew that I had made a mistake by disclosing my line of credit. And then it started …. “heyyyy Neil….you know what….could I borrow $10,000 from your line of credit?”
I kid you not. This fat oaf who was too lazy to do anything, got into a big discussion about how I should give him $10,000 and he would give me a bunch of shitty trash jewelry his Mom had given him. He tried to convince me that he would pay me back and if I didn’t, I’d have his junk as collateral and I could pawn it off. I pictured how pathetic it would be, me driving all around Toronto, trying to sell garbage to recoup $10,000 to pay back a line of credit that I had just finished paying off. This turned into anhour-long negotiation. I proceeded to end the conversation and said I would think about it. He ended up calling me relentlessly for the next week, no doubt, trying to rip me off. Because I was such a pussy back then, I just avoided his phone calls, too afraid to just tell him an empathic NO. When I finally talked to him after he had called a hundred times, he tried to make me feel guilty for avoiding him. In reality I was too much of a pussy back then to say no. I think this new version of me wouldn’t have not even said, no – I would have just called him out for being a selfish pig and hang up on him.
To this very day, Jason, even in his forties, still doesn’t have a real job, and believe it or not, still tries to “borrow” money from people. How embarrassing. People generally won’t change, but the good thing is that they can stimulate you to change….for the better.
It’s situations like this though where it’s perfectly fine to not only say “no”, but to say “FUCK NO”. How I wish I could go back in time and tell Jason to go to hell for even asking me for such a ridiculous favor. He would have never paid me back. Be strong. Say no. People that borrow money are the biggest red-flag kinds of people you should look out for. In these situations, especially with those that you don’t know very well (or even if you do), say no, You don’t even have to be nice in those situations with the couching your “no” with nice and fuzzy language around it. Just say “no” and end the discussion. These kinds of people will come back for more and more and more and they’ll know to target you, each and every time. I have countless friends, and even bankruptcy clients who just couldn’t say not to people that leached off of them.
I don’t know what it is about humans and money, but for some reason, when you open the door to lending certain people money, those same people will just keep coming back to you over and over and over again.
CLOSING
So there you have it. Several ways in which you can stop being a “yes” man and start saying “no”. You’ve been a people pleaser far too long. The fact that you’re listening to this means that you are ready for change because you’re tired of getting taken advantage of, and quite frankly, abused. But believe it or not, if you reframe it, it’s not other people abusing you; it’s YOU abusing YOURSELF! Imagine, at any moment, you could stand up for yourself and say “no”, yet you don’t. Isn’t it therefore you torturing yourself by letting people ping you around like a pinball with their requests?
You don’t have to go full-dick mode, and just go around yelling “NO” to people abruptly. The goal isn’t to piss off other people and alienate your friends and family. Given some of the techniques, start off using the techniques that fit your personality. For example, if you’re an extreme people-pleaser, start off with gradually avoiding calls from people that you know are calling you for favors you don’t want to perform. Become less reliable to those whom you don’t want to rely upon you anymore. Don’t answer the phone if you’re busy. Don’t feel compelled to reply to emails as soon as they arrive. CONTROL THE PACE.
You don’t have to make decisions on the spot. You are allowed to be thoughtful, and by thoughtful, I mean you’re allowed to contemplate whether doing someone for someone would be in your best interest or not. If someone asks you to do something and you’re not sure – tell them so – I’m not sure, but I need to think about it. If they pressure you for an answer right away, then tell them no. STOP committing to things because it’s more convenient for the person asking you than it is for you. Do you realize how crazy that is?
Gradually, as you find your voice and start stretching your comfort zones, you’ll be more comfortable saying “no” on your terms. It’s not always going to be comfortable, but trust me, over time, it will be more rewarding than you can ever imagine.
Just the other day I had a crazy potential client come to a friend’s office. He wanted to argue with me about the law, and dictate how the legal process would go, even though he isn’t a lawyer. He was aggressive, unreasonable, and rude. The old me would have stressed myself out dealing with his toxic energy and irrational behavior, and I would have still taken the case. It seemed like he wanted to argue with me about everything, and it seemed like he was interrogating me. It’s one thing to ask someone questions to see their qualifications; it’s an entirely different thing to interrogate someone. When I realized he was just an absolute dick I did something that I had never done before.
The new me closed my books, stood-up, and walked out of the meeting while he was mid-sentence in one of his delusional diatribes. It was the most AMAZING feeling I have had. My way of saying no wasn’t even to say “no”, I’m not taking your case. I just got up and left instead of wasting more of my precious time on a nut-job. As I drove out of the parking lot, I got a tingling feeling and felt overcome with self-love for what I did. My only regret was how I wasn’t protecting myself like this earlier in life.
Remember, the two most important things to remember as you go through this journey is to be thoughtful and civil as the case merits. Above all though just remember: the word NO is a complete sentence.