Tag Archives: empath survival

How NOT To Absorb Other People’s Problems

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As an empath or sensitive person, do you find yourself always taking on other people’s problems?  I don’t mind just listening to their problems; I mean you actually mentally and emotionally bear the burden of other people’s problems as if they were your own!  You find yourself stressed, anxious, and tired. Depending on the time of job you have, your personality and shouldering other people’s problems all of the time can crush you. Today I discuss how to separate how you can be involved in helping solve a problem without bearing the weight of that person’s problem.  Ultimately, it will help you live more peaceful when you realize that it is not your job to be responsible for other people’s problems.

The Word NO Is A Complete Sentence

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True story: the word NO is a complete sentence. As empath’s or highly sensitive people, we have a tendency or disposition to always be people-pleasers. Accordingly, whenever someone asks us for something and we don’t want to do it, we have a hard time saying the simple word NO. For an empath, saying NO is more of a negotiation, instead of an absolute or emphatic statement. Why? Because we are so concerned with offending the other person or pleasing them to make them happy, that we avoid using direct language to turn them down and try to negotiate declining the offer. Unfortunately, this ends up backfiring, as we usually get convinced to do what we ultimately never wanted to do in the first place.

So what do I mean about saying “no” becoming a negotiation? Let me give you an example. Let’s say someone asks you to go to a concert downtown. You have literally zero interest in going for a variety of reasons. First, you dislike the music of that particular band, second, the tickets are $200 each, and third, you’re working that day so you would have to get home from work early, get ready, and then spend another two hours trekking downtown in heavy traffic. Basically you’d be exhausted by the time you arrived to see a band you have zero interest in seeing.

But here’s the problem with the average empath: when our friend asks us to go downtown, we don’t say “NO”. Instead, we dance around the response. Example, instead of simply saying “no”, when asked whether we’d like to go to the concert, we answer “I’d love to go, but I have to work that day and I’d never make it on time.” Or we say something like “thanks so much for the invite, but the tickets are really expensive.”

Do you see the problem with answering like this? What you’ve told the other person is that you’re actually interested in going, except for a few things which can easily be overcome. Especially if the person you’re talking to is a friend, which obviously they would be if they were inviting you, you have now done is open the door to negotiating. The problem now is that with regards to your “I have to work” excuse, is that what are you going to do when your friend tells you – “hey don’t worry about getting there late, there’s an opening act and the actual band won’t actually get on stage until much later, so voila, you’ll have plenty of time to get home from work and get there in time to enjoy the show. I’ll even pick you up and drive us down!” or, what are you going to say if they respond by saying “don’t worry, fortunately the band is having a second performance the next day which is a Saturday when you don’t have to work. Great you’re coming now!” As you can see, you just fucked yourself. Because now, if you come up with an alternate excuse, it will make you look like a liar, or a flake.

In the second part of the example where you said you couldn’t go because the tickets are too expensive, what are you going to do when your friend starts trying to strong arm you into going by saying “it’s only $200, the band rarely comes to town. Stop being so cheap – you never go out and enjoy yourself anymore. It’s not much money.” Or what if he says “don’t worry about the tickets – I have an extra one and you can have it for free! What time shall we head down now that you can come?”

As you can see, you just fucked yourself. Because now, if you come up with an alternate excuse, it will make you look like a liar, a cheapo, or a flake. Or all of the above. The problem is for an empath, you don’t want to hurt your friend’s feelings by telling them that the band sucks and you have zero interest in going, so you struggle to find your voice and speak your mind. You’re almost obsessed with people’s feelings and not hurting them or causing conflict so you always speak using wishy-washy language to avoid stepping on anyone’s toes. The curse of an empath. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Ironically, the less you stand in your own power and speak your mind, the more conflict you will have because everything will become a back and forth dialogue as people perceive you to be a pushover, wishy-washy, and easily convinced. What’s worse, is by nature, your type of personality will attract more and more people who will try to sell you things and convince you to do things. You’ll find yourself a mark or target for telemarketers, solicitors at your front door, and anyone else who can sell you anything. You will attract the exact opposite of what you want because you’ll effective be what blood is to a shark when it comes to people. Trust me when I say, strong people who speak their minds have fewer people approach them for things in the first place.

I could give you countless examples, but here’s one of my favorites from recent memory. I was in Tajikistan in Central Asia. Along with a group of 10 others, we were standing in the town square looking around. Of course, being a town square, it had its share of beggars. Despite all of the other tourists around me, one of the beggars, a young girl, perhaps around the age of eight or nine years of age, ended up coming up to me asking for money. The problem is, despite me ignoring her, she wouldn’t let go. She was relentless. Tugging on my shirt, trying to reach into my pocket. I kept trying to walk away and she wouldn’t stop. I finally started yelling at her as I reached my boiling point after TEN minutes of this harassment and she still wouldn’t stop, even when I walked into a nearby store in an attempt to shake her. Guess how many of the other members of the group had this happen to them? NONE. Because of my personality at the time, which certain people can deduce through my energy, this young girl despite being homeless, knew who from the group she could target. Don’t worry, I didn’t give her a dime, but it pissed me off unnecessarily. Do you find yourself in these weird predicaments whereas your friends don’t?

Even at my law practice, a couple of the people that work for me are gangsters. No literally, but from a personality standpoint, as kind as they are, they don’t put up wish bullshit from anyone. They’re tough as nails and accordingly, their energy probably helps communicate that to people. Running a law practice means having clients trying to unfortunately coerce you into doing things you don’t want to do all of the time. But guess what happens when a client wants to try to pull one over on us? Even though the client’s point of contact would always have been one of the ladies working for me, they’ll do their best to jump over that firewall and contact me when it comes time to ask for some outlandish thing. Notice how they don’t even try to approach the people they should be approaching? They try to skip them because back then my energy was that of someone that would have a hard time saying NO. They knew without asking that they would hit a brick wall if they were to ask anyone else for the same favor from my law firm so they would ask me instead.

If you find yourself always being asked to do things and for things all of the time, it means that yes, you may be kind and reliable, but believe it or not, it also could mean that people perceive you as weak.

How do I know all of this? I used to be THAT guy. In fact, I still am that guy, but fortunately I have made leaps and bounds in the last year. By standing up and finding my voice more consistently and saying NO, the only regret I have had is why it took me so long to do it. I reflect on how many shitty situations I found myself in because I would say “no, and here’s why”, instead of simply “no”. In fact, I’m bewildered about what was holding me back all of these years. Seriously, no one was going to beat me up if I simply say NO. An annoying telemarketer is not going to jump through the phone and stab you if you say no and hang-up. Speaking of telemarketers, I actually used to listen to their spiel. I remember when I was living in Toronto, one called me once to do a survey, she said it would take around five minutes. 15 minutes later, I was getting agitated, and asked her if we were almost done…she said no, there are still around 25 questions. Like an idiot or a prisoner of the phone, I begrudgingly answered all of her survey questions. What was I thinking?

In retrospect, all I was thinking of was about how not to offend this random voice on the phone who is getting paid. Does this sound like you? Someone who is always lawyering against yourself for why you should appease others? Stop. NOW.

When you can’t say “no” with confidence, people will perceive you as weak. They will take advantage of you. They will mistake your kindness for weakness. You will bang your head agains the wall why it is you keep finding yourself in the same situation with the same losers always attracted to you and wanting ridiculous things from you.

HOW TO SAY NO

Here’s how: just start. Start experimenting with saying no. It won’t be perfect at first. While you find your footing, perhaps you’ll find yourself sounding like a dick, maybe being too abrupt with people. That’s okay. It’s about finding your voice. Those that know you and those that matter will understand the change you’re going through.

The key is to always be mindful of being both thoughtful and civilized when you say “no” to people. Let’s go through some examples.

A telemarketer calls, asking if you would be willing to participate in a five minute survey. You’re already busy eating supper and don’t feel like holding your phone to your ear. Simple response: no thank you, not interested. Hang-up. In this instance, you can be a bit brash because it’s just a telemarketer and there’s nothing to negotiate – you’re not doing their survey. Don’t say any more than that or wait for them to respond. Your time is PRECIOUS. Every second you spend after you so “no thanks” is wasted time that you can never get back.

2. Your best friend asks you to pick-up their kid from daycare because they have to work late. You have other plans which you can’t cancel and it’s so late that you would be the bad guy to the other person with whom you had plans. You just can’t do it and you know that your best friend has other options or arrangements she can make to get her kid from daycare.

Your response should NOT be: “No.” And then hang-up. Remember, with people that matter, and even those in public, you should be thoughtful and civilized. Your response might look something like: “Sorry Jane, I can’t pull it off. You know I would do it for you any other time. Definitely try one of your other options.”

Now let’s caveat something here – friends help friends. If you know your friend would be screwed, ie lose her job if she didn’t stay late, or she literally has no one that can also pick the kid up, then help out if you can. If you have to rearrange plans, then do so. But don’t make it a habit. I have unfortunately found, especially living in a big city like LA, the more you help people, the more they keep coming to you for every little thing and start losing respect for your time.

I see it every day as a lawyer. Someone will hire me to file a bankruptcy. Next thing you know they want me to create their business’s financial statements (totally not my job). Then they want me to start giving them business advice. Mentally they try to tie everything together: I’m their lawyer for one element of their finances so therefore I’m their lawyer for anything and everything related to their finances. This used to happen all of the time. People will do the same thing to you as well. The more helpful you are, the more they’ll want from you. When you finally stand up for yourself and say “no”, they’ll get mad at you for not being good ol’ reliable you anymore.

On the other hand, if you had become less accessible, and tempered your helpfulness, you’ll find that the same people will start to respect you and your time more. When you say no, they won’t be as butt-hurt and you won’t be as pissed off for having to wrestle with saying no or why that person is asking you for things they could to themselves.

Remember – thoughtful and civilized.

3. Another example: your friend is always asking you for favors. They always need to borrow money. They’re always asking you legal questions every ten minutes throughout the day. They’re always texting. As I mentioned, the more responsive you are to people the more they’ll want from you.

Another way I have learned to say no without saying “no”, is to not be overly responsive. If someone who is always calling calls, even if I am free, I purposely won’t answer the phone. Same with clients that always email. Some want to have a back and forth conversation with you over email. Again, even when I’m free, I simply won’t respond. That person that calls all the time? Don’t answer. Let it go to voicemail and then call them back several hours later, or the next day. It creates space. It gives you higher value. Same with email – email was not designed for having a conversation. Reply to your emails once or twice a day. Create that space so people understand you’re not a 911 service. Being less accessible is another way of saying no, in a roundabout way. It helps people learn how to respect your time. If you keep building up your expectations for others, they will be expect exactly what your building.

The more people you don’t want to rely on you start to try to use and rely on you, the more unreliable you should be come, specifically with those people. Or on the other hand, just say no. Remember, do not offer an explanation of excuse for why you won’t do it. Just be nice and reply over time to them so they learn to respect the boundaries that you are creating. Remember – people will treat you as bad as you let them and if you set no boundaries, you can’t complain when you get treated as someone with no boundaries.

4. Your friend Jason asks you to “borrow” money.

Does your friend Jason want to borrow money? I’m not referring to a responsible and trustworthy friend that needs to borrow some money one night because he legitimately forgot his wallet at night. I’m referring to that one friend that we’ve all had growing up who is always broke because he’s a lazy bum and has made a living off of living off of other people’s hard work. When that guy calls asking to borrow money, it’s times like that you can be a dick and say “no”.

One of my favorite stories is an EX friend, who we’ll call Jason. I don’t know why, but I love telling this story. Perhaps because it’s one of those that I look back upon as a new person and wonder how I didn’t have the strength to tell him to fuck the hell off at the time. I’m sure we all have those stories.

That asshole used to want stuff from everyone, all the time. Since high school, he had always treated his “friends” as people he could make a buck off of. He was, and still is, a user of people. Granted, we all use each other to some degree, but this guy gave nothing in return. I remember I invited him to visit me in Mexico when I was living there at the time. Looking back on it, likely he had invited himself, but whatever. My friends in Mexico were some of the greatest quality of people you will ever meet in your life. They were beyond family. And because Jason was my friend at the time, my Mexican friends showed my friend “Jason” around town, letting him party with them etc. In fact, one of my best friends decided to organize a trip to Mazatlan and even welcomed my friend into his villa, treating him as though he was one of his best friends as well. We had a good time. We had a great time. But it wasn’t long before he was asking people, or even my friends, for stuff. A cigarette. A peso. When he returned home, he thought he was a king, bragging to everyone about the stuff he did in Mexico and the people he knew that were connected down there. In reality they didn’t even know his name.

The money issue with him got worse as we got older. A single year later, we all went to Miami for New Year’s. I was trepid about going because of the fact that we were going to take bus from Ottawa down to Miami – yes, that ended up being about 32 hours in a sitting position. It was literally torture. Anyway, despite the fact that we only had four days in Miami and Jason had convinced us all to go, within about 24 hours or being there, he had already run out of money. It was me and three other friends and those three other friends were MY friends and only knew Jason through me but weren’t that close with him. Despite the fact that we were all on a budget back then, he still had absolutely no qualms about asking people for money, selfishly not caring that it would take away from the enjoyment of my friends’ vacations.

The last straw for me was when, a few years later, he asked to “borrow” $10,000 from me. Let me put this into context. He was as lazy as they came. He sat around, watched TV all day, his bedroom littered in McDonald’s wrappers that hadn’t moved from the same spot in months. He never got a job just because. Meanwhile, I had a full-time job, was always studying to write my LSAT test for law school, and was trying to get a business off the ground. I always remember that one night. I had just finished paying off a line of credit I had used to help fund the business I had slaved away at. It took me months and months to pay it off since I wasn’t earning much at the time and was trying to earn my stripes but doing things the hard way and not getting my Dad to pay for anything. But after lots of blood, sweat, and tears, I finally got it paid off. I accidentally let slip in a conversation one night with Jason that I had a line of credit with a bank, which they had extended to all of us who were doing our MBA.

As soon as I let that information slip out, the phone went silent. But through that silence, I could hear the gears turning in his mind. In an instant, I knew that I had made a mistake by disclosing my line of credit. And then it started …. “heyyyy Neil….you know what….could I borrow $10,000 from your line of credit?”

I kid you not. This fat oaf who was too lazy to do anything, got into a big discussion about how I should give him $10,000 and he would give me a bunch of shitty trash jewelry his Mom had given him. He tried to convince me that he would pay me back and if I didn’t, I’d have his junk as collateral and I could pawn it off. I pictured how pathetic it would be, me driving all around Toronto, trying to sell garbage to recoup $10,000 to pay back a line of credit that I had just finished paying off. This turned into anhour-long negotiation. I proceeded to end the conversation and said I would think about it. He ended up calling me relentlessly for the next week, no doubt, trying to rip me off. Because I was such a pussy back then, I just avoided his phone calls, too afraid to just tell him an empathic NO. When I finally talked to him after he had called a hundred times, he tried to make me feel guilty for avoiding him. In reality I was too much of a pussy back then to say no. I think this new version of me wouldn’t have not even said, no – I would have just called him out for being a selfish pig and hang up on him.

To this very day, Jason, even in his forties, still doesn’t have a real job, and believe it or not, still tries to “borrow” money from people. How embarrassing. People generally won’t change, but the good thing is that they can stimulate you to change….for the better.

It’s situations like this though where it’s perfectly fine to not only say “no”, but to say “FUCK NO”. How I wish I could go back in time and tell Jason to go to hell for even asking me for such a ridiculous favor. He would have never paid me back. Be strong. Say no. People that borrow money are the biggest red-flag kinds of people you should look out for. In these situations, especially with those that you don’t know very well (or even if you do), say no, You don’t even have to be nice in those situations with the couching your “no” with nice and fuzzy language around it. Just say “no” and end the discussion. These kinds of people will come back for more and more and more and they’ll know to target you, each and every time. I have countless friends, and even bankruptcy clients who just couldn’t say not to people that leached off of them.

I don’t know what it is about humans and money, but for some reason, when you open the door to lending certain people money, those same people will just keep coming back to you over and over and over again.

CLOSING

So there you have it. Several ways in which you can stop being a “yes” man and start saying “no”. You’ve been a people pleaser far too long. The fact that you’re listening to this means that you are ready for change because you’re tired of getting taken advantage of, and quite frankly, abused. But believe it or not, if you reframe it, it’s not other people abusing you; it’s YOU abusing YOURSELF! Imagine, at any moment, you could stand up for yourself and say “no”, yet you don’t. Isn’t it therefore you torturing yourself by letting people ping you around like a pinball with their requests?

You don’t have to go full-dick mode, and just go around yelling “NO” to people abruptly. The goal isn’t to piss off other people and alienate your friends and family. Given some of the techniques, start off using the techniques that fit your personality. For example, if you’re an extreme people-pleaser, start off with gradually avoiding calls from people that you know are calling you for favors you don’t want to perform. Become less reliable to those whom you don’t want to rely upon you anymore. Don’t answer the phone if you’re busy. Don’t feel compelled to reply to emails as soon as they arrive. CONTROL THE PACE.

You don’t have to make decisions on the spot. You are allowed to be thoughtful, and by thoughtful, I mean you’re allowed to contemplate whether doing someone for someone would be in your best interest or not. If someone asks you to do something and you’re not sure – tell them so – I’m not sure, but I need to think about it. If they pressure you for an answer right away, then tell them no. STOP committing to things because it’s more convenient for the person asking you than it is for you. Do you realize how crazy that is?

Gradually, as you find your voice and start stretching your comfort zones, you’ll be more comfortable saying “no” on your terms. It’s not always going to be comfortable, but trust me, over time, it will be more rewarding than you can ever imagine.

Just the other day I had a crazy potential client come to a friend’s office. He wanted to argue with me about the law, and dictate how the legal process would go, even though he isn’t a lawyer. He was aggressive, unreasonable, and rude. The old me would have stressed myself out dealing with his toxic energy and irrational behavior, and I would have still taken the case. It seemed like he wanted to argue with me about everything, and it seemed like he was interrogating me. It’s one thing to ask someone questions to see their qualifications; it’s an entirely different thing to interrogate someone. When I realized he was just an absolute dick I did something that I had never done before.

The new me closed my books, stood-up, and walked out of the meeting while he was mid-sentence in one of his delusional diatribes. It was the most AMAZING feeling I have had. My way of saying no wasn’t even to say “no”, I’m not taking your case. I just got up and left instead of wasting more of my precious time on a nut-job. As I drove out of the parking lot, I got a tingling feeling and felt overcome with self-love for what I did. My only regret was how I wasn’t protecting myself like this earlier in life.

Remember, the two most important things to remember as you go through this journey is to be thoughtful and civil as the case merits. Above all though just remember: the word NO is a complete sentence.

How To Cleanse Bad Energy Before It’s Too Late

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So it happened again didn’t it?  Despite all of the lessons you’ve learned, hundreds of hours of YouTube videos, Podcasts, and self-help books, you still let someone through your front door that sucked the life out of you and now that that person has found your magical teat to suckle off of, you can’t get rid of them.

You’re left drained, your eyes feel heavy, and you need to do a reset to get your energy back. If you don’t properly recharge or cleanse, you’ll end up becoming what you hate by being a jerk to your loved ones in an attempt to steal their energy to replenish your own.  It becomes this vicious cycle – someone has taken your energy and now you’re subconsciously trying to take someone else’s.  No wonder people like lawyers end up getting divorced so much – they probably do emotional drive by’s on their spouses on a daily basis.  if you wonder why you need so much alone time, then this is why – because you are trying to protect yourself from further emotional turbulence and you need this time to heal.

In any event I want to use this episode to talk about ways in which to recharge your batteries and reset your mood and essentially cleanse the toxic energies that you have absorbed.  What will be different though, is that as the modern-day hippy that I am, I don’t really believe in all of these gem-Stones that you have to rub all over your balls.  I also don’t believe in planets aligning in order to dictate your life such as I don’t think you have to wait for Mercury to be in line with your anus before you can help yourself.  I also don’t think you need to risk burning your house down by burning incense and sage thereby setting off the fire alarms sprinklers and making things smell funky for your neighbors – something especially true if you live in an apartment complex.  The reason I do not believe in all those things is because those are all externalities and I truly do not believe that you need external material objects in order to heal yourself. Because once you start relying on these external things then what happens when you don’t have access to them? For example I live in Los Angeles and I’m pretty sure if I go to Trader Joe’s or Ralph’s or Walmart I can’t just find Sage so I can burn it.  Does this mean I have to run around town looking for sage or perhaps some sort of particular Quartz stone before I can begin the healing?  And what if there is a worldwide shortage of Sage – does this mean I can’t heal myself?   Nope, of course not.  The power to heal and cleanse oneself is within our self.

So here are some ways that I have found effective to help myself recharge my batteries.  Hopefully you find some use in them.  

2.  Make sure to give yourself some alone time everyday especially on a day when someone has taken your energy from you.

If you live with a roommate or you live with your parents or are married or whatever, then you may not have your own little cave to spend some time outside of the house where you can be alone. Especially in a big city like Los Angeles, it can sometimes be difficult because no matter where you go there are people around. But despite the crowds and big cities there are usually some places you can go to find some space.  A good place to do this might be a city park where you can sit on a bench and have at least a little bit of room with no one that knows you around.   Another place to get some alone time could be a public library.  While people may be there, at least they’re quietly doing their own thing which creates a very pleasant and healing environment.  I always love the smell of libraries.

While it is important for you to be alone, I think it’s even more important that you’re at least away from people that you know including friends and family.  At least when you’re alone in a park or library then you’re not around people that can try to use you as a conduit for them to use you to dump their dark energy.  The more you can put yourself in an anonymous place, the better.  When I’ve had a tough day with emotional terrorists giving me their junk it never ceases to amaze me how I can literally feel my body relaxing and detoxifying when I finally get to be alone in my man cave with no one to talk to me.  It’s amazing how tense the body can get without realizing because it happens so gradually.

For me, after feeling the anxiety and stress in my chest, when I go to my man-cave or dungeon and lie down, I can feel the negativity evaporating.  The pressure and weight I feel on my chest literally starts evaporating….I can breath easier, my mind stops racing with negative thoughts or dwelling on nonsense.  Find your special place in your house, or even buried away in the corner of some coffee shop.  And oh yeah – turn off the ringer to your cell phone so no incoming calls or text messages disturb you.

2.  Listen to music

Start playing your favorite songs.  I love pop duet ballads and top 40 pop.  I’ve especially found Coldplay songs quite relaxing and recently Alan Walker’s songs lift me up.  From Coldplay, I love Everglow, Hypnotized, and Fly On as all of those songs bring me back down and bring me memories and energies which help push out the negative stuff.  Alan Walker’s songs like Alone, On My WAy, and Darkside always lift me up because they make me feel like I’m on one of my travel adventures in some remote part of the world where I’m anonymous and untouchable.  Another one that is not pop-music but very soothing is by Deva Premal called Aat Guray Namay. Check out the website for some of these songs as perhaps they’ll strike a chord with you as well.  Regardless, music is subject so play music that you know will sooth your soul and bring back good memories, no matter how old.  Doing this will help distract your mind from whatever toxic shit you’ve been ruminating about and put some good vibrations into your mind and body.

3.  Read a novel.

READ?!  No one reads anymore, right?  Of course they do and if you don’t, then try it.  I stopped reading fiction novels for years, but after a trip to Bali last year, I stumbled upon a novel called “The Hard Way”, by Lee Child.  It’s about a character named Jack Reacher, which you may have heard about since they made a couple of movies based off of the character with Tom Cruise playing Jack Reacher.  Anyway, amazing books and a year later I think I’ve read almost 15 of them.  They suck you in.  The point of reading these fiction books is they stimulate your imagination which is important because that means they distract you and make you use other parts of your brain instead of dwelling on whatever it is that is making you feel low-energy.  

It takes some getting used to if you haven’t read in awhile since a lot of us have turned to peering at our cell phones for an instant fix of reading and maybe have ADD when it comes to having to read an entire story.  Try it though.  And seriously if it’s that much of a struggle, get one of these audio books and listen to the story at night before going to bed.  

Hell for that matter, turn on a podcast which is a mystery or a story – there are plenty of them.  I’m not going to go so far as to start binge watching Netflix series because frankly I don’t think they’re as good for mental stimulation as reading a book or listening to a story since you’re not triggering your imagination as much since the visuals are already provided for you.  Listening to a story on a podcast or audio book is a great way to have your brain think about other things and cleanse the crap your mind has accumulated.  You start thinking about other things and if you’re listening to a mystery, it starts making your brain begin to try and figure out the mystery.  Try it!

Although not necessarily a mystery, a podcast I highly recommend is called Serial which is a real story about a high school kid that got thrown in jail for the murder of his ex-girlfriend.  It became the most-listened to podcast in history and the story within garnered national headlines and prompted  the legal system to reconsider the case and potentially get the accused out of jail.  To date, it was the most addictive thing I have ever listened to.  Give it a shot.  

4.  Go for a walk

You may have heard this as one of the most common things to do to cleanse you of bad energy, but take a walk.  Many pundits talk about taking a walk in nature, like taking a hike.  Here in Los Angeles there are surprisingly tonnes of hiking trails in the hills and mountains.  I say surprisingly because this is such a dense city, you wouldn’t think that there was anywhere where you would find nature in what’s otherwise a concrete jungle, but you would be very wrong.  Regardless of where you live, there are usually options and if you have to drive a bit to get there, so be it.  Walking in a forest is more special because you absorb better air and good energy from the plants and trees around you.  It may sound hokey but it’s real.  I always remember secluding myself in a beautiful villa in an unpopulated part of Ubud, Bali a little over a year ago.  My place was at the back of a rice field, at the edge of a small cliff facing a jungle.  There was literally nothing around.  I swear I had my psychic superpowers return to me in just a couple of days of being there.  My memory sharpened and I was able to perceive things that I had stopped perceiving.  For example, one day I had a feeling my Mom had fallen down and no one was there at the house.  My Mom had NEVER fallen down before and had no health issues.  Sure enough the next day I called her and she told me she had fallen.  

I’m not telling everyone to fly to Bali.  But if you can’t find a forest, then go to a local park.  If you’re not able to even go to a local park, I’ve even found just taking a walk outside of your house or office can make a huge difference.  I’m always amazed at the things I notice when I take a walk that I don’t notice when I’m in my car driving by the same places.  Just get outside.  Even take a walk around the block for 10 minutes.  A friend of mine was always stressed at work.  She would work long hours in a pressured environment for weeks and months on end.  I found out that she didn’t even get up from her desk for lunch – she would literally eat lunch at her desk, meaning she would be sitting down for hours and hours in the same place.  I urged her to get up and go somewhere for lunch.  Take a 15 minute break and go to across the street to Dunkin Donuts for a French honey cruller.  Just break up your day and get outside!  She started doing it and immediately within the first few days her stress levels went from 100 down to about 60.  Cleansing is about distracting the mind and finding energy from the outside.

5.  Steal it from someone else.

Yup, you heard that right.  If you need a cleanse, that means someone in your day stole it from you at some point.  I guess this isn’t really cleansing so much as it is taking back what’s rightfully yours, but I thought I would throw it in this podcast since as empaths we tend to run away, hide, and curl up into the fetal position if someone attacks us.  

Why not steal the energy back?  One caveat though:  AVOID doing an emotional drive-by on a loved one or innocent bystander because then you become just as bad as the emotional terrorist or ET as I like to call them.  Instead, why not be a dick right back to the person that stole your energy?  Avoid getting into a back-and-forth fight – it’s more about standing up to that person and letting them know that you won’t tolerate their behavior.  It does wonders.  I’m still working on how to do this and it won’t work every time, but I’ll give you a recent example.

I had a client come in for a consultation for a bankruptcy.  Right away I could tell his energy was one that was very stressed.  Unlike most people, surprisingly, those needing to file bankruptcy feel like crap, but generally are pleasant.  This guy however was really taking it badly even though in reality the portrait of his situation was not that bad compared to most.  I requested some very simple document from him that I would need in order to do his case.  Not long after, he began calling multiple times a day and emailing, as though the voicemails he was leaving weren’t enough.  He wasn’t even calling with any questions, but instead just to give me useless updates on his own status of collecting documents.  For those of you out there that have never used a lawyer – you don’t need to call us to tell us what you had for breakfast.  This kind of behavior is why many lawyers charge hourly fees – not so much because of the money but to mitigate clients from abusing our time.

I’ll fast forward a bit, but when it came time for him to come in again, actually sign the retainer and pay me to actually start his case and represent him, he began throwing a fit when I asked him for documents that he did not bring (even though I had told him various times that I needed them).  He did an emotional drive-by on me, complaining about how ridiculous this process is and wondering why I hadn’t finished his case yet.  Hey dumb-ass, you haven’t even paid me, nor have you given me your documents, so how the F am I supposed to do your case?  By psychically knowing your personal information?

Anyway, I could feel the tension.  He slammed the folder I gave him closed and began walking out of my office saying he would have to come back to get all of these ridiculous documents.  The old me would have ate his energy and been agitated.  And trust me, with his energy and behavior, I did eat some.  But I did something different.  First, I made it clear that I can’t keep meeting him for free – sign the retainer, pay me, and you can bring back the deficient documents later.  He didn’t have any issue with that, but I still felt unsettled and I started to stew internally about what a dick this guy was and my mind started going down a bad path.

So here’s what I did:  a couple of hours later I called him.  I said John, I didn’t like my meeting with you earlier today.  I’m the guy helping you, and you’re attacking me as though I’m the one that put you in this situation.  I can put up with a difficult situation as I realize that’s part of the job, but in reality if you’re going to be borderline accusatory with me, and spew such negative energy, then I’m not the lawyer for you.  You made it seem like I gave you bad instructions when in fact I didn’t.  I used to put up with bad behavior from clients but I don’t anymore because I’ve grown up a lot over the years and I’m an empath so I have no interest in absorbing negative energy because it’s just going to make me resent you and not want to help you, which is the opposite of the type of relationship I need to have with my clients.  So if it’s going to be like pulling teeth and arm-wrestling you for very simple documents and information requests, then you should come back to my office and pick up your check and find someone else.

BAM.  THERE.  I gave him his energy back.  And guess what happened?  He spent the next five minutes apologizing, wondering how he became this way and became the client from hell, attacking the very guy he needed help from.  He promised he would behave better and said he would show it through his actions.  It got better:  the next day he went to my office and even though my paralegal hadn’t even interacted with him, he personally approached her when I wasn’t even there and apologized to her for being such an asshole.  

That day when I made the call to him to tell him all of this, I immediately felt 100% better.  I was starting to stew a little bit since I had absorbed his negative energy, and was starting to feel negative.  Instead of letting it perpetuate and going to bed with it, I called him and gave it right back to him.  And you know what?  IT FELT GREAT and I didn’t think about him for the rest of the day.  I wonder how many fewer gray hairs I would have had I started practicing this earlier on in life.  Better late than never.  I suggest when someone does this to you, try it.  Be completely honest and just tell them to F off in the nicest of ways, setting limits.    

Be really careful here.  I think a lot of people in high pressure jobs like medicine and law end up getting divorces and have terrible familial relationships because they unleash the bad energy they’ve absorbed upon their loved ones when they get home – whether that’s upon their husbands, wives, or even children.  This can be the start of how abusive relationships form.  People need an outlet so try to give that negative energy somewhere and to someone else, whoever is around that they know won’t push back.  We often do it to our loved-ones because they don’t push back.  Monitor yourself to make sure you’re not doing drive-bys on your loved ones and messing up the relationships that matter meanwhile preserving the toxic ones at work or wherever, where the negative energy is emanating.  

6.  Meditate 

You’ll hear this over and over and over.  I am still struggling to meditate although I’ve been trying for the last couple of years.  I think just the act of trying is a good enough start.  There are plenty of apps you can download on your phone such as Simple Habit and Headspace which will give you a guided meditation and perhaps make the process easier since it puts you on a schedule.  While I haven’t used Headspace much, I do use Simple Habit and what I like about that one is that you can choose the guided meditation based on the kind of issue you’re experiencing, such as stress, anxiety, depression, or if you just had a hard day at the office.

I think the problem I have had with meditating is that when things are going well, I stop doing it.  I can find the time to check Facebook twenty times a day, or browse the internet for nonsense for 20 minutes, but I find an excuse not to invest 5 minutes of time in a guided meditation.  There’s a quote I once read that stuck with me:  if you’re so busy that you don’t have even 20 minutes to meditate, then meditate for an hour.

Try it!

CONCLUSION

There are lots of other things you can do to cleanse and replenish your energy.  If you have your own technique that you’d like to share, send me a message and I’ll be happy to include it in a future episode.  I suggest finding something that works for you as everything doesn’t work for everybody.  What is even more important though is that you do this regularly, even daily so that you keep your cup full.  Often we get so caught up in life that we don’t realize that have anything left unless it’s too late.  We end up lashing out at everyone around us, and getting sick very easily because we’re under so much stress.

If you start cleansing and make it part of a daily routine, it will help you to keep shining.  While I don’t believe that you need to stick Mars in your anus to feel good or burn your house down with sage, at the end of the day, do what works.  Everything is worth a shot, but just like you should protect your time, so should you also protect your energy.  At the end of every day, think about how you feel, and take action to regenerate so that your cup is brimming at the start of every day and hopefully even by the end of each day.

Put Yourself First Or Get Hurt Like Kevin Durant

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After watching the NBA Finals in which the Golden State Warriors squared off against the Toronto Raptors in a best of seven series, I was prompted to do this impromptu episode when the Warrior’s star player, Kevin Durant, severely injured his leg.

Kevin Durant was a unique player – not because of his almost 7 foot height, andand not not only because he was an amazing basketball player, but because of the fact that he was actually very sensitive to what other people would say about him even though he was a major celebrity.  Kevin injured himself about a month before the Finals and could not play.  Perhaps succumbing to the pressure to play again in order to save his team from elimination, he ended up playing.  From everything we knew it seemed like a bad idea in that he wasn’t ready to play.

He ended up playing.  I cringed every time he had the ball.  Sure enough, not long into the game, he ended up tearing his Achilles heel, perhaps because he was injured and playing when he should not have been.   In this episode, I explore how giving in to what other people want can ultimately lead to your demise.

Good luck and best wishes to the kind soul known as Kevin Durant.